Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer. The
effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety…
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only
two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat, But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. . . A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (
I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (
what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and
I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
